They say ... they being most people in my life, they say I'm a beautiful spirit - but once I actually voice my opinion, or I'm incapable of being strong, when I actually get mad, when I cry, When I go in full work mode - they say " I'm lost" or am I bitch - I'm insecure, I'm not happy ... Yeah, they say a lot, but I pray to God when we finally meet, when I see you and you see me, I pray to God that you say nothing short of " I see you". Because once you meet me, once I've met you ... I would have spent nearly 30 years trying to be seen - and I've looked forward to that moment, of being seen.. actually... being... seen.
Dear Future Husband,
How amazing is it to know that you nor I have been able to find each other just yet, and yet, we know we are out there, sitting at a coffee shop and drinking our venti black coffee and reading the Sunday paper while people watching.
Are we watching the same couple, you know, the one to the right of me, left of you - the couple with their jack Russel and cute matching running set, yeah that couple - aren't they cute? The look so happy. Are we watching them together? So closely that we don't see each other?
Or, am I sitting here alone contemplating my own nightmare - the one where that couple could never be me, and you really don't exist?
I thought I found you a few times, but somehow I keep running into you impersonators - they speak like you, they laugh just like you, they even mastered your touch and some, even your kiss. But eventually I realize it isn't you, they don't eat their pizza correctly or when I say I love you, its echoed back instead of that creepy smile being returned like you do because the thought of me loving you made you feel so empowered you craved me in that very moment, your mind immediately crafted this desire to kiss every inch of me ... Yeah, your imposters had me fooled, just couldn't get the important details down.
So to avoid the fake husbands, I've canceled all possible boyfriends, I've canceled dating altogether - and please understand I'm well aware you're happy with your imposter, he feels real, he actually gets you better than the real me, he speaks well, he looks amazing, he shows no sign of brokenness, he's actually a better version of me. Trust me, I know my own flaws.
But while you enjoy him, I'm working on me, I've spent a lot of time addressing life as I know it, I've spent countless days reading books, and listening to a therapist, exploring me, dedicating time to actually loving me and understanding me ... So when we meet - I'll be close to new, just not really new. I would have been owned by very few and though left extremely damaged, my remakes seem to be quite remarkable, I mean even I look at me and think "Wow, who's this?" so yeah, you might like my new look, or whatever.
But what most important is that I'm doing the work, and I hope while you're extremely happy, you continue to do yours, because I expect to meet you in a place in life where our missing pieces are found, and our scars are healed and pretty as they are - but I'm also hopeful that I'll get to see those scars, and love them the way I love, and I pray you're able to do the same -
Because I'm not perfect, I cry, I feel angry, I work a lot. I speak my mind more often than not, and you'll know exactly how I feel because I don't hide them.
Physically, I'm not the sexiest, but I'm a looker and trust me, I feel damn good in my own skin. Yes, I love intensely, but it's because life is short and I want you to know and feel and see just how amazing you are and how that directly inspires me.
I'm jealous, I love your attention, but I trust you, so understand - I'll check you, but I won't check up on you ... too often.
I'm a firm and independent person, I know what I want out of life, and I know how to get it, so very often I'll seem well put together and because of my earned right to be independent I will seem as though I don't need you, please understand, I'll need you every step of the way, because what I do will forever be about you and me ... You are my life and I've fought this far to make sure I can devote an entire life to you and me.
You'll probably never read this
Or maybe you will,
Either way - We both have a lot of living to do ...
But If you're on the west coast, you can find me near the beach,
If you're on the east coast - I'll always be near the Brooklyn Bridge
You'll find me - I'll find you.
See you soon,