To say I've meant it, every time I've said I love you ... Well, it would be the biggest untruth I've ever had to admit to.
So this letter that you're reading, it's my truth to you, each of you, not because I need to or I think you need it, or I think you value this ... It's my growing moment in understanding that every time I said I Love you, or expressed how in love with you I was, was more about me needing something and forced that something to be you. I committed to the role and I identified you as my hero. And to be completely honest, you (each of you) fulfilled your purpose and convinced me that you too loved me in return. This false story was told with a realness, a real mess that you nor I could deny, till it was evident we couldn't , that neither of us could live in this now very clear lie - so it got ugly, someone has to be the bad guy and someone had to be the victim - but I’m thankful that each of you were the bad guys, because, at these particular points in my life, I would have held on to each of you ... forever
So let me address you individually; Here is my thank you's and my apologies.
Nick : I doubt you ever will read this because its been forever since we last talked, however I fell in love with the idea of you when life's only concern should have been the pop quiz Ms. Green would have given or meeting friends in the D area, or what was happening on the weekend - but my life had become a lot more complicated in middle school and you allowed me to escape that complication through friendship and exploration of my sexuality. Through you, I understood more and more of what independence was - I wanted it, and the more I poured myself into cultivating this friendship with you, I wanted to be so much more like you, fearless, important, bold, honest, creative, strong - this is how I viewed you and this is what I wanted to be.
Time does what it does and we lose touch ... Honestly, I could never explain why we lost touch - but I always think about you, more than most would think about someone from middle school - but I'm grateful that we met when we met, because truth be told, as I got older, my independence and my ability to speak my mind and own my shit or take a leap of faith, be honest with myself, these were things people now respect about me, and to think a 13-year-old boy taught me these things, honestly is amazing. So where ever you are in this world, I pray God has given you everything your heart desires. Bye my dear friend.
Luis: You changed my perception of boyfriends - Not sure if that is a good or bad thing, I spent a lot of time trying to understand that, but oh well. -
I owe you nothing honestly, not a thank you or an "I'm sorry" ... however, I think you should know that I didn't love you until I realized I didn't want you as much as I wanted the validation of dating you while in high school. It felt good to have something someone else wanted, even if someone else had it while I had it. You were sweet, sexy and thought the world of me - it was cute knowing that after I got off work, you were there to pick me up, it was nice being able to leave school and head to your house ... even if it was only to have sex. I felt wanted and I felt like I was loved ... FELT LIKE!!! (talk about a fucked up statement) but it was peaceful - it provided a safe space. So here is my ode to you; I love you now. I love you now because I love me more, I love me honestly, you are no longer a badge of honor but a friend. So my dear friend, let life be as it continues to show you its tewadures, you are forever in my heart.
See you later.
Justin: If I could do one thing differently ... I would give you your freedom, and by freedom I mean I would have loved you a little less, less intensely, less aggressively, simply less. But either way you were a huge lesson, you were everything in one and it felt like crap - honestly, it felt like I spent an entire lifetime trying to prove to someone why I deserved to be loved and it sucked ass!!! But I was asked a question a few days ago " would you do it over again the same way?" and I said yes.
I said yes because I honestly loved you, I honestly fell in love with you; not the idea, not the thought, not because it gave me some type of validation ... no, I loved you because, for the first time, I knew what life could be like if I spent the rest of my life with you. I think what also made a difference was that you were the first to say I love you, March 7, 2006 (My 1/3/5 schedule) sitting in Mr. Tuners Algebra class and being on the phone with you right before hanging up you said it, I love you ... and my response ... Thank you. **dial tone**.
But this was our relationship, you lead, you began, you started, you acknowledge, you announce, and I followed, I responded, I adhered to your word. And as crazy as that sounds, it’s true, it was true, it was our relationship. It was normal for me to freak at something you suggested, or feel hurt by it; you criticized and I changed ... or adapted, to the best of my ability.
Eventually, I couldn't, I couldn't adapt long enough or quick enough and the relationship felt more and more like a failure and my personal failure. This happened for five years, till I eventually lost your attention, your attraction, your heart ... or what little piece I had anyway.
To say it was a mistake, I would be lying, but to say I regret much of what we had ... Would be my truth, because we didn't have much, I had the physical form of you, I had the good days when I made you feel good, I had the "ecstasy" of loving you when we made love, and we made good love. It's because of those moments we shared intimately that I can say you loved me in your own way. You loved me enough to keep me around - to keep me fighting, and honestly, the love was more than enough. It was everything I needed in that phase of my life.
This is where I say sorry ... and possibly a little teary-eyed because I abused the love you could give because I demanded more then you could give, because I made you the bad guy and victimized myself. Myself , much accounted for, made a life that made you my hero. I made you the answer to every life issue I had, and I'm sorry for that pressure, I'm sorry for all of it. But I'm grateful for you.
You taught me about myself, you gave me the understanding of self. I learned to be untouchable because you challenged me, you directly and indirectly challenged my existence.
I use to say you were my husband, and I said it for awhile, and by while I mean a few weeks ago - I was convinced that life would send you back my way - but I was wrong. You've found love and it looks good on you, and I agree with it, I see the joy in your eyes, I hear it in your voice, I like it, so thank you for being happy - thank you for living without me.
Brandon: Ever looked back and said why? Yeah, that’s you. And I’m not being rude or insensitive, however, I realize you were really a mishap ( a victim of gunfire who got stuck in the crossfire of Justin and myself.)
We met right after I got back from New York with Justin ( or without I should say ) - we met on black planet and I honestly just wanted to be anywhere but Justin and you showed up in my inbox. Sidebar - when did we stop referring to our inbox as mail but now DM’s... Anyway, I think you and I connected because we validated each other’s version of the truth - I needed someone far away enough to listen to me and tell me I was right in my thoughts and how amazing my selfish decisions were, even though in reality - they were wrong as ever. You needed me to believe your stories of early success and how perfect your world was. We needed each other tclose but not too close, far but not too far.
But it happened.
After Justin and I broke up for the last time ( or so I thought ) you and I met up and we clicked, we hit it off, we immediately started dating and it went downhill from there. We quickly moved-in with each other, bought a car and invited another friend to live with us, and another friend. Things got really ugly and I think you and I both started being nasty to each other in our own way ; but looking back at it, I think we both didn’t know what should happen next so we just fought our way through it - that and neither of us wanted to move out or move back home. So it became this situation that really was ugly.
Ultimately we parted ways, losing friends, financially crippling each other and just honestly upsetting each other.
I don’t think we loved each other, I know I didn’t love you and it couldn’t be possible that you loved me. But, I am sorry ... sorry for the strain of toxic lies that’s kept you intertwined in my life, I’m sorry for the anger and hate I poured out into you from frustration and residual hurt from Justin.
Life has been well and you look happy and I pray you continue on that journey.
Albert: Nothing was wrong with us!!!!! Like nothing. I loved how you loved me, it was organic, it was healthy, it was unselfish. And yet, here I am writing you an "I'm sorry". I could cop out and say life was still happening to me, or I had to learn the hard way ... No, I fucked up. I royally fucked up. I gave up halfway into our second, year, I stopped trying, I stopped caring, I stopped. And as if it wasn't enough I gave up, I stepped out and back into something that literally destroyed me, and every time I admit that, my heart stops. And with that being said, the very cliche “Everything happens for a reason” is a truth that actually applies here; had I stayed in our relationship I would have never moved to New York and live a life I’m so very happy to be living in, in a selfish way, I’m grateful and at the same time, I’m sorry it hurt you in the process. But I did love you, just not more than I loved myself. Sorry.
Fair well, Albert.
Dewayne : I came on to you strong! If I remember correctly invited myself to your movie day. I don’t recall the movie but I showed up, I showed up wearing skinny jeans, a red V neck and a smile. I was excited to be seeing you - it was the first time in weeks I had actually smiled or even laughed. Our communication via Facebook was one for the books - I flirted, I laughed, I said things that probably even myself would be shocked if I were to read them again. I wanted to feel seen and so I made myself visible to you.
At the moment I met you I was dealing with a very toxic interaction- I was sleeping on the floor of a guys apartment I met a few days after I moved to nyc - I had been Kicked out the room I was renting in Harlem and literally had no one else in New York to stay with - a full “Korean Drama” had unleashed its self in my life and I was the only one who spoke English - and I was the butt of every joke; so I needed you at that point just to provide entertainment, to be an escape, to be my place of peace, and you were. You made me laugh like the world was perfect, I felt so at peace I found myself playing the “wife” role- I cooked , I cleaned, I paid bills, I showed up to meet you after class, we went to church, I ironed clothes, I listened to speeches , I grocery shopped- you name it I did and I did it with a smile on my face and two full time jobs.
Our relationship escalated quick - for me, we were in a good healthy space - for you I think it was a means to an end - you got your rocks off, you had company, someone to pay your way in most cases, someone thought you were the world and you enjoyed it, you enjoyed it without remorse.
And then it happened ... at 9 pm while watching the golden girls - your phone rang, it rang constantly and when you finally answered, my heart dropped , the next words to come out your mouth possibly shook my entire universe and I think I was the only one to feel it - “ Hey You” was the greeting to the very male voice on the other end of the phone: the cycle continues for me. - this sir - was the introduction to the end for us.
Months of hiding lies, small arguments, me pushing things under the rug ... but then, a visitor changed everything - a friend who was much more showed up and well, I just simply threw the towel in - but I wasn’t going out with a conversation of why? And I never got an answer - so I eventually just let go and said I wasn’t going to bother. Eventually we stopped speaking - I stopped going to church, and you stopped - or rather you went on with your life.
So before I say, bye , let me say this - my intentions early on may have been wrong, however everything else was me being invested and I think I wasted that investment on you. So I’ll say bye, and never look back.
Door slams shut!
final nail in the coffin.
So, there’s my good byes, my sorries, my final “I love you”.
I’ll probably never see these people again, and I more than likely won’t love most of these people again. And I’m okay with it, I’m ready to find love that really means something - I’m ready to share the love I now have for myself, with someone else.
I’m in no rush - I’m not looking - but I’m open!!!
I think what works this time is, I’m not filling a void, I’m not looking for completion or validation - I’m happy with who I am - I’ve worked through many issues and I now know how to look internally for what needs attention.
So guys, I’ll see you in our next lives possibly with a baby on my hip, another at my waist and my husband standing behind me, proud of the unit we’ve built together and smiling at God.
Yeah, I’m pretty happy with me. I love me.
True love isn’t found outwardly, it’s the extended version of our ability to love ourselves internally - Noah Love